maybe this is what it is all about. slowly getting madder and madder and then it all cracks open. maybe this is what the process actually wants to make available and vincent van gogh was doing it right; looking into the nature of things and then slowly (or violently) breaking through it all into a reality consisting of Nothing. suicide. art is just a process of looking into the nature of reality; poetry, painting, sculpting, music. there is actually no point in doing any of it apart from process. it makes no difference if it is great art or not. it is the state the artist must move into. observation (real or imagined).

i am thinking that i do not want to think any more. and to observe. to see things in the world as they are. to create as if i can forget about being a past or future. an exercise in presence. in dissection. i’ll be okay because i won’t be okay. i will disappear. getting madder and madder. all this.

should art be known as ‘evidence of observation’? but say we have pure observation with no physical evidence – maybe this could be defined as the highest form of Art? art as a tool. as excavation towards the heart of consciousness. that is all. using it as a way to disappear. to move closer to god. the artwork is no longer about getting a message across. about making the audience react in a certain way. that became irrelevant a long time ago. probably around 27 July 1890, the date when vincent shot himself in the hayfield where he was painting. he died 30 hours later.

is art an awakened dreaming state or is art just a thing that has been touched by someone? duchamps’ urinal was placed in a gallery and called art. albeit a modern concept of art. did it need a critical audience to label it as such? that world has become madder and madder. a light bulb turning on and off. art destroys itself. the perfect awakening. the perfect dream.

is art a personal expression of experience? the intangible is made tangible. a thought. an idea. an experiment. a sensation. a feeling. a mood; non-reality fixed to reality as vibration. movement. intention.

can art be made by a machine without involving a single element of human experience? can art be mindless? emotionless? dependent on the artist. the viewer. does there need to be an interaction between the two? can/must the artist be the viewer? in reality, is there neither? deus. ex. machina. if art is an expression of consciousness, can a cactus create art in the desert solely by blooming? does a fox make art every time she walks across a snowy field? deus. ex. anima.

auldous huxley. the doors of perception. what i am struggling to achieve is what LSD can give me easily or i’ll go mad or something first. people got into these kinds of states long before synthates. they used to go into the jungle and find plant compounds. they yearned for spiritual realisation. union. transcendence. all i am doing is trying to find a way to get into that state. experience. expression. experimentation. emergency.

if i can’t find a field there is always the revolver.

is art spiritual experience or just madness appearing as Truth? when you get busy with your life and pick up where you left off, the seeking stops. the awakening stops. you become yourself again. you forget about Nothing. you forget that you are involved in an act of forgetting. instead you remember to be someone and then you start making art for art’s sake. it manifests but it is struggle. depression. it turns madder and madder. you are not sure of a way forward. again you come to a standstill. towards crisis point. you become anonymous. experimented upon by nobody. made into no thing. there is absolutely no possibility that anything can be made out of any of it. it is a path one must stay off/no one must stay on. you take solace in the fact that nobody need find out about your death in order for it to be real. for you. you experience the shock of unrealness. the Truth. Truth. Truth.

this is all so stupid. i am writing this in order to validate nothing. no one writing this writing. wanting to diminish my self after believing i was everything that ever mattered. like an idiot. i’m going to lose it all. no one cares this way or that. it makes no difference which way it continues. there is this emergency i know. it is neither right nor wrong. that my head is filling with so many thoughts. that the observation experience is disappearing. i see i have done myself a disservice. exchanging myself for nothing. exchanging nothing for art. 

where i observe some things coming in and out of awareness

the world is ever fresh and new. there are no labels. there is only This. there is thinking and there is writing and there is moving of fingers across the keyboard and scanning of the eyes across the screen. writing arises and also great pleasure, no matter what the words are trying to say. they appear as they want to appear.

people who live close to the earth with little formal education know that there is a constant sphere of awareness surrounding them and that consciousness expands to fit this sphere. often it is from horizon to horizon as far as the eye can see, the ear can hear the nose can smell. anything beyond this does not exist. advaita vedanta shows that in a world that has no opposites, no concepts, no labels, nothing exists apart from a field of energy and from that, there may be a continued ‘sensation’ of objects coming into this field of energy. this is what ‘awakened’ people often refer to the ‘freshness of the world being reborn again and again in the ever-present moment’. oh words are so hard sometimes.

if you want to put it another way, you could say, “nothing exists in the world except what is right here right now”. this is quite an interesting concept to get one’s head around. i like to think of this kind of stuff all the time. there is of course, a time when thinking merges automatically into sensing and experiencing – the classic awakening moment, but for all lesser mortals, thinking seems to be the way to go for the time being (language is such a funny thing). my children are not in the room, i know that they have taken the dog out for a walk but of course, that is just a thought that continues in my head in order that i may recognise them again when they come back into the house. at this moment they do not actually exist. they are not in my sphere of awareness, they are only kept alive by a thought, an electrical impulse, which quite frankly is a rather dodgy thing anyway.

oh well there you go, i hear footsteps on the path outside, the door is opening and i know without doubt that my children are coming back into the house with the dog. my thought process has created the continuum. i recognise them.

in a non-dual world there is no i, no recognising, no children, no dog, no path, no footsteps, no door, no thought continuum, just energy flowing; what bob sailor adamson calls ‘intellegence energy’. the world gets on with what it does without any prompting, without anyone directing it, without the person receiving impressions about it, it just does (or to be more precise, it just IS)

but if we feel more comfortable with having a few concepts thrown into the mix (otherwise there is not really a lot that can be said about any of it) we might call it a collection of neurons adjusting to apparent changes in the energy field and seeing/hearing/sensing takes place to induce recognition; footsteps, children, dog, door – it is pure sensory perception before the brain computes anything of individual merit, before the brain is able to put a label on those individual ‘happenings’. it is all just swimming in a sea of sensation, waves rippling all around.

along with this swimming, comes a huge sense of peace. there is no director, no directed, there are no concepts to label this scenario good, bad or indifferent. there is no sense of a finite world that is constantly changing, finally to end sometime in an unknown future. there is no future. there is no sense of a self that ever lived or that will some day die. there is also no past to base any expectations on. there is no sense that objects, people, animals are separate things – all is one and with this oneness comes peace.

then there can be no doubt that everything is just as it is, fresh, renewed, alive all in this one moment.

the Truth can only be examined within the sphere of your own experience

it can only be done by YOU, yourself. it can only been done in the moment that is now.

you may already have read piles of books, watched countless youtube videos, gone to many satsangs or meetings, set up a routine of meditation or chanting yo still the mind. that is wonderful. that has set you on the path to realisation. you are almost there but you are not quite there and you know that you are not quite there, so you continue to search.

the thing that is very strange about all of this, indeed very paradoxical, is that the more you search, the more you verify the separateness of the world you are living in. the more information you take on board, the more concepts you are loading yourself up with. there is nothing inherently wrong with this. everything is just As It Is; perfect, complete, whole – the fact that you identify yourself to be a separate seeker in a world of manifestations is part of It All and does not matter one single iota.

but then the idea comes into your head about ‘suffering’ and you wish you could end it. you have got yourself to the place where you believe that if you annihilate the self, you will simultaneously annihilate your suffering. that is all well and good. that is a path that could be taken by a person perceived to be suffering, who is trying to remove the suffering by removing the sufferer. you continue to go to satsangs or read another book to learn ‘how’ to do it but, if you are always trying to remove something then it stands to reason that the YOU doing the removing will always remain; you remain in a state of suffering.

what is needed, if indeed there is any need at all, is for an honest exploration of the Truth.

the Truth is ‘that which cannot be seen as false when subjected to close scrutiny’ and the Truth only manifests here in this present moment and only you can conduct a close inspection of what you perceive the Truth to be. there is no path to follow, only a slow (or sudden) stripping away of the ‘reality’ you think you are in – towards an ever greater exposure of the Truth.

yes, these words can point you towards the Truth but these words are after all, only words; they have no inherent Truth in themselves. you must look for yourself.

so here’s a pointer: can you drink this word >>>> WATER ? can you dip your fingers into it? can you get yourself wet with it? what about this word >>>> BREAD ? can you actually eat it? can you smell its fresh aroma? will it stop you from being hungry? now have a think about the word >>>> SUFFERING does that word actually make you feel miserable? does it inflict pain on you?

if you explore this for yourself, you will start to strip away the layers.

how about the things that you see around you right now? let’s say instead of reading this, you are watching footage of DONALD TRUMP on your screen, waving his hands and smiling, with crowds of people around him. is that actually him? is what you are seeing not just an arrangement of coloured pixels lit up by a backlight and projected onto a field of flat glass? when you look closely, you cannot carry on believing that this really is donald trunp can you? now you may notice some EMOTIONS arising. you may label them NEGATIVE you may label them POSITIVE or a mixture of both. what are these emotions? are they actually just impulses moving through the mind and body? electrical connections that pass from the screen to your retina to your brain’s synapses through your nervous system; heart, skin, breath? and surely all this happens before you put a label on them?

let’s turn to look at these body parts a little closer and before you slap the label ME on them all, look at what they really really are: a collection of bones and organs held together by muscles and cartilage? cells and spaces-between-cells arranged to function in a certain way? an assimilation and redistribution of food molecules that are taken in through the hole at the top and pass out of the hole at the bottom? where is the YOU in all of this? in the cells in your brain, skin or heart? in your breath? in the water or bread you digested earlier today?

maybe we are taking the word ME too literally. after all, if we believe wholeheartedly we are seeing footage of donald trump on our screen, when the Truth is that it is only an arrangement of pixels against glass and we believe we feel rage/pleasure coming up when we see him, when in Truth it is only an electrical impulse coursing through synapses and cells, would it not be too much of a stretch to believe that when we take the word ME to be me, it is in Truth only an arrangement of vibrating atoms forming combinations of oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, and phosphorus (and a few other trace elements)? no different from the chair, the screen, the trees outside, the sky?

and when we suddenly see the belief that has created this ME; the belief that has created suffering, the belief that has created a path this ME is walking on, the belief that has created the belief the ME can annihilate itself – can we also see that in Truth, these beliefs are actually nothingness being dropped by no one?

and the layers continue to be stripped away; that is All that’s needed.